lockooks

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach's
K O S H E R . S E X

Continued from previous page

Kosher Sex emphasizes physical attraction as being vital to great sex and a great marriage, which is actually kind of cool coming from a rabbi. One usually thinks of rabbis touting spiritual values, not physical attraction. I agree that physical attraction is important. But I actually think he overemphasizes the physical when it comes to this aspect of sex. What about people who aren't so "physically attractive"? Is being unattractive or plain God's way of saying "You should stay single"? Plus, our physical attractiveness changes over the years. What about the husband who was wildly attracted to his wife when she was nubile and slim? Then after a few babies and a few pounds put on, she literally has a different body, and he's not attracted to her anymore? What should he do? If she can't lose the weight, and some women can't, what should she do? Marrying on the basis of compatibility as well as attraction levels the playing field. If we all married for attraction alone, all the guys would be proposing to Victoria's Secret models. And women, well, we wouldn't be getting married at all, because all the guys we'd want would be gay. Not really, of course. People are attracted to different body types. But physical attraction is not all there is to great sex, Rabbi.

Interestingly, I like the erotic spin that Rabbi Boteach puts on the Orthodox Jewish practice of "niddah." Believe it or not, there are some things about this idea of a period of sexual abstinence, at least as far as certain sex acts are concerned, that I think are quite worthwhile. Max, of course, vehemently disagrees with me on this one.

Though the separation of the sexes based upon a woman's menstrual "uncleanness" gives me the heebie-geebies, I love Judaism in many ways, and I'm very proud of my Jewish heritage (baruch hashem). I take pride in the fact that Judaism has never asked its clergy to be celibate, never glorified celibacy at all. But I've never been comfortable with Orthodox Judaism's separation of men and women like we're different species, especially the implication that men can lead two lives, public and private, while women should only lead one, a private life. Why can't women be rabbis? Why can't women dance in the synagogue?

At one point, Rabbi Boteach writes,"For animals, sex is no more than impregnation, as they have no dysfunction in sexual harmony." (p. 62), and that "humans are the only creatures who make love facing each other." Now, when the Rabbi gets into the realm of zoology, it's best he leave Noah's Ark and look to modern science. Or just go to the San Diego Zoo, and check out the bonobo chimpanzees having sex in the missionary, female-superior and other face-to-face positions, looking deeply into each other's eyes. Furthermore, they lead incredibly complicated love lives with all the passion, compassion, intimacy and dysfunction that that entails. To his credit, I must say that when I told the Rabbi about the bonobos when he was a guest on my show, he quite graciously said he'd have to learn more about them. I wonder if he'll amend that passage in his book when it goes to a second printing.

Where I really commend the Rabbi is for coming out and stating: "Couples should first of all use sex to mend arguments" (p.92). Bravo Rabbi! It sounds outrageous to many people, but he's so right here. This is the Bonobo Way! And it's one of the most important purposes of sex. I don't know if it's the "ultimate purpose" (p.102), but it's pretty vital, whether we like the way it sounds or not. So often, we argue just because we're stressed, not because we have a serious disagreement with each other. Sex is a great way to mend these types of arguments. It's just a little tricky, because at least one of you is really angry, so the other has to kind of sneak-seduce. But it works. I can't count how many times I have diffused Max's anger at me over some ridiculous suspected slight by just grabbing his gear shift (gently, of course), and giving it a big kiss.

Where I vehemently disagree with the Sensuous Rabbi is when he writes "The benefit of a long education in sex is doubtful" (p.111). Rabbi, don't be silly! And don't set yourself up for being accused of being a hypocrite, which I don't believe you really are. But think about it, why did you write a book about sex if you don't believe that people should be educated about sex? Education is power, and sex education is sexual power. Sex education involves the body, mind and soul. To write, as you do, that a streetwalker is educated in sex is like saying that a street hustler is educated in finance. Nothing against streetwalkers, but please, there are other types of sex educators. You and I, for instance. A good sex education teaches you how to preserve your sense of wonder and innocence. The people that get easily jaded about sex aren't very educated in it. Couples that aren't educated fall out of love, and certainly out of lust, very easily, whether or not they get divorced.

Speaking of which, the Rabbi decries divorce (he takes it very personally, since his parents were divorced when he was rather young; he says it really messed him up, but if you ask me, he turned out pretty well). But then he writes that it's better for a woman to divorce her husband than let him see a prostitute, even if she doesn't want to have sex with him. Even the Bible is more liberal that the Rabbi on this point.

But back to sex education. He quotes a wonderful story from the Talmud, a little sex tale about Rav Kahana hiding under the bed of his teacher while he made love to his wife. If you can learn all you need to know about sex from your spouse, why was Rav Kahana under his teacher's bed? Wasn't he learning an important lesson? Wasn't he getting a sex education?

His chapters on pornography and sex toys are very interesting. When I read his description of eating breakfast one morning, and then hearing a "terribly loud crash," (p.114), then finding the entire glass front of the local Adult Book Shop smashed to bits, I couldn't help but be reminded of another time when the glass windows of law-abiding stores were smashed to bits. I don't mean to be disrespectful here, but this passage made me think of Kristalnacht in Germany, the harbinger of the Final Solution.

Not that Rabbi Boteach thinks pornographers should be arrested or have their store windows smashed. Not at all. He's a free speech advocate, I think. He just hates the stuff, sees no redeeming use for it. He writes " in most cases pornography will serve as an end in itself rather than as a tool for the excitement of passion."(P.115)

But more and more, couples are using pornography and erotica to excite their passions together. How is this wrong, especially if it keeps their marriage going? I think this is another case of the Rabbi being a little more conservative in his shtick than in his personal thinking. After all, he had his book excerpted in Playboy. And he seemed to get a kick out of the erotic art in our gallery.

I agree with him that it's great to "take photographs or videos of yourselves together" (p.118). That's the best erotica by far, especially for us exhibitionists. But it's not always practical or even possible. Some people are voyeurs, don't particularly want to look at themselves, or don't have video cameras.

We also differ with on the subject of sexual fantasies. He says "one of the most precious and important laws within the Jewish guidelines to lovemaking is that no spouse may think of another individual during sexual intercourse." (p.115) Why not? What if you do? Should you stop making love and beat your head against the wall? People fantasize about all kinds of other people. Fantasy is not the same as action, especially when it comes to sex.

The Rabbi admits that "for sex to be exciting, there must be a healthy dose of fantasy." (p.130). So some of those fantasies might have a few other folks frolicking around in them. It's not the same as cheating. Lighten up, Rabbi!

But kudos to you for blessing vibrators and other sex toys. This is really important to me. Actually, my vibrator and dildo collection, as well as my lingerie, are very important to my marriage. "Make your wife into your mistress, your husband into your secret lover, and make your marriage into an illicit affair." (p.225). This is beautiful. This is what it's all about.

Predictably, the Rabbi comes down hard on S&M and piercing, saying "Judaism cannot countenance the mutilation of the body…(except) for medical purposes." (p. 135) All I can say is: Yo, what about circumcision? The Rabbi writes that "sadomasochism may be thrilling while it lasts, but it leaves the individual feeling empty and vacuous when it is over." (p.136) Actually, many S/M practitioners tell me how much more fulfilled and inspired they feel after an S/M experience than after regular intercourse. To say "they cannot get to know each other more deeply," is just simple sexual prejudice.

And I think he oversimplifies the problem of adultery, of desiring thy neighbor's wife or husband, when he says "man has no natural desire for things he cannot possibly attain…We are not jealous of a bird's ability to fly because we know that such things are totally outside of our reach." (p.234) But people have always desired to do things others say we can't do. Like flying. Men and women are constantly coveting what we can't obtain! That's why commercial advertising works so well.

I do like-in fact, I love--how he explains how "the ancient Jewish interpretation of the Bible has always maintained that God created Adam in the Garden of Eden as a hybrid of both male and female. The traditional Jewish interpretation of these verses in Genesis suggests that the word tzela, usually translated as "rib," here means "side." Adam was not the first man, but rather the first human, and he was an androgynous being, possessing both masculine and feminine dimensions. When Adam fell asleep, God removed an entire side, the feminine side, from His creature, and the result was the splitting of the first human being into Adam, who remained male, and Eve, who became female." (p.193). What a great, feminist interpretation! How come I didn't learn this in Hebrew school?

I also really appreciate what he has to say about "becoming a creator." (p.229) in love. He writes that as a lover, when you treat someone as important or sexy, you recreate them as important or sexy, and that is what they become. "We need to admit…that we need to be at the center of someone else's universe…like Louis XIV the Sun King" (p.29). Ain't it the truth.

Rabbi Boteach writes "Parents, not children, must always come first in marriage." (p.242) I agree. I think that if my own parents made any mistakes, that was one. The children came first, their relationship second. At least that's the way it seemed to me. And it may be one reason I chose not to have children. But then, the Rabbi is so opposed to divorce, he sounds practically Catholic. He says that above all, parents should "foster hope" (p.243) in their children, via their own happiness. But what if they are extremely unhappy? When children look at their parents' unhappy marriage, and see no hope, but just a future for themselves of unhappiness, wouldn't it be better if the parents divorced and maybe did find happiness? I think so.

He has interesting views on jealousy. He sees it as a sort of emotional aphrodisiac "In jealousy, we are reminded of our spouse's attractiveness and desirability" (p.249), he writes. I agree that a little bit of jealousy can be a turn-on. It causes the common fantasy of seeing our partner with someone else. But remember, he doesn't think you should fantasize about people other than your partner, so…

So, the Rabbi and I disagree on quite a few points. That made the show I did with him quite lively. But we agree on the basics, like sex is good, and lust has value, and sex toys have their place in a marriage. And as I said, I'm a sucker for a smart, sexy, Talmud-steeped rabbi any day…

Oy vey, I've written much more about Kosher Sex than I was planning to. I must have been inspired. Now I'm going to throw my weary body on my husband's and have some kind of sex, kosher or traife. L'Chaim!


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